Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm passing your future prison.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
