please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
