You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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