and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
