im drinking this country out of the recession.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
