I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
