I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize