You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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