we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
When are your genitals available?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
