The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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