I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
