i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
