Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
