Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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