Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
