I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
