her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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