dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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