I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
