There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize