I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
