Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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