just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My ass is underappreciated
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I enjoy the company of your penis
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
