Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
