i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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