so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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