ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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