I cannot find my penis.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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