She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
