4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Please don't give away my fajitas
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
