I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I need moral support for this bender
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
