i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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