I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
