Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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