I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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