this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
