Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
