Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
no more duck duck goose at the bar
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
