Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
