Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
