and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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