So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Randomize
