I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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