In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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