I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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