Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I didn't notice because vodka
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
