Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize