Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
