i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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