in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
