I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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