How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
