no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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