dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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