I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
