I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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