zippers are such a cool invention
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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