Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
