I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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