Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
