Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
