I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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