My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
