I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
