LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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