Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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