he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
